"Training the Newbie" - A spoof on Used Car Salesmen

Some customers are buyers and some are browsers, learn the difference. Watch for the signs. A loner is probably a browser, just in for a test drive. Indulge him, get him hooked. Don’t waste too much time but don’t let go easily either. Make promises that will make him come back. What promises, do you ask? Good question. Just wing it, be as creative as possible. Don’t forget to get his number. If you don’t act fast, he is a goner!

Your best bets are expectant couples. Just ask Jim Brown over there, he sees $ signs every time a pregnant woman walks in the door. Befriend these folks, complement the woman, ask when the baby is due. The closer they are to their due date, the better your chances. Draw attention to the safety features of the cars, emphasize the comfort factors, get them to upsize. You can even sell them add-ons. Be gentle but persistent. If you get impatient, they will be goners!

Always wear a smile, even if you are annoyed. Yes, it does happen. You will have kids throwing paper planes at you while mom and dad try to squeeze every last penny of profit off the price and then some. You just keep smiling. You see Billy Truman over there, he has a smile on even when he’s doing paperwork. It takes practice. Tell them you will do it just for them because they are such a nice family. Tell them you need to run it by Rick, the manager. Ask about their trade-in, tell them it needs to be assessed. Stall them, go take a break in the back. After a couple hours, when they are tired, impatient and run-down by their own-kids, go for the kill. Make sure they know how lucky they are that the manager had to give in, in order to make his monthly quota. Say the trade-in came a little low due to a mechanical problem, but that the buy is a steal. Offer snack to the kids.

Beware of the know-it-all customer. You can have a field day with the uneducated ones, but not these buggers. These are the ones that come in with a bunch of trade reports and print-outs. They can be rude and disrespectful. Be honest and direct with them; do not try to befriend them. Exude confidence. Give them a low price. Offer them free extras. Who doesn’t like freebies? Tell them you will match the lowest price but do not try to pressure them, or else they are goners!

Get a catch phrase! Suzie, over there, likes to say “It’s a great car, my husband drives the same kind”. And, no matter when the customer walks in, Larry always says “It’s a great time to buy, we are currently offering a limited-time special”. My personal favorite is “Tell me, what can I do to sell you this car today?” In fact, go ahead, use them all, see which one fits.

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